There's a tornado watch for a portion of West Texas.
Brian Chadwick is with the county sheriff's office in Sweetwater.
We're trying to get the word out to the community to brace themselves.
We hope this thing's not gonna develop into a real funnel...
but after Saragosa, we're not taking any chances.
The National Weather Service says the storm is moving northeast...
and with the exception of some rain, it shouldn't affect the Dallas-Fort Worth area.
That's news, sports and weather. I'm Frank Castle for KGAB talk radio news.
From the heart of the Lone Star state,
it's time for Dallas' most popular talk show,
Night Talk with Barry Champlaign.
# Bad to the bone #
The KGAB phone lines are open and ready for your call...
at 555-TALK.
And now your host for Night Talk, Barry Champlaign.
- The worst news of the night is that...
three of four people say they'd rather watch TV than have sex with their spouse.
The second worst news is that some kids needed money for crack last night,
so they stuck a knife in the throat of an 80- year-old grandmother...
down on Euclid Avenue right here in Dallas.
One night in one American city.
Multiply that by hundreds of cities and what have you got?
A country where culture means pornography and slasher films,;
where ethics means payoffs, graft, insider trading,;
where integrity means Iying, whoring and intoxication.
This country is in deep trouble, people.
This country is rotten to the core and somebody better do something about it.
Take your hand out of that bowl of Fritos, throw away your National Enquirer,
and pick up the phone, hold it up to your face...
and dial 555-TALK.
Open your mouth and tell me what we're gonna do about the mess this country's in.
Talk radio- it's the last neighborhood in town.
People don't talk to each other anymore.
Let's go to the first caller.
A lot of problems with the country today have a lot do...
- with the continued exploitation of the third world countries.
Wait. Third world countries? Where'd you learn that phrase, in college?
Do you know what it means? You're getting off the track.
We're not getting off the track, we're getting on.
Josh, go back to college. When you graduate, give me a call.
A prime example of that uniquely American institution;
the concerned bleeding-heart liberal...
looking for people with problems he can call his own.
Francine in Oakline. I'm a transvestite.
I'm trying to save money for an operation...
What interest do you think your adventures in surgery hold for my listeners?
It's something I have to talk about. I don't. Night Talk.
Let me put you on hold. You slip some testosterone into Barry's coffee?
The guy's possessed tonight. He's a little tense.
Get outta here!
Sometimes I come home from work and we have dinner together, you know?
No, I don't know. You have dinner at the table with your cat?
With a tablecloth and candles? No, Barry.
Just her own plate on the floor. Good.
But we eat the same things. Like if I have a pork chop, she has a pork chop.
If I have a veal, she has a veal.
Glenn, take my advice.
Stop hangin' around with the pussy. Go find some.
I'm listening, Michael. What's up?
Yeah, I heard your little advertisement there for the pizza place.
Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love that pizza. Don't you like it?
You sound like you'd love it. I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.
What I wanted to say to you tonight, Mr. Champlaign, was...
I have an interest in this place, or at least, some friends of mine...
Just use one-syllables, Billy, if it's difficult. Oh, Michael.
Hey, smart guy. Just use one-syllable...
Smart guy? We're being- Smart guy.
We got somebody with a little lip on us tonight.
Hey. Don't call me "Hey."
This is not a conversation. This is a monologue. I talk, you listen.
Understand me? Oh, yeah, we're listening.
Yes? Go ahead.
I don't want you makin' any more comments about the pizza joint.
Do you have relatives that run the place? People gotta make money on this.
Uncle Vinnie or someone? There are people...
You know what, Michael? You're a meatball.
- Debbie in Highland Park. - My name is Debbie.
Hello, Debbie. How old are you?
I'm 23. Uh- huh.
What do you do? I don't do anything.
When was the last time you did something?
I don't know. About a month ago.
What'd you do a month ago? I went swimmin'!
Mm-hmm. What do you do for money?
I got my brother. I haven't made any.
Debbie, you're a leech.
Don't you think it's time you got off your duff, started making money?
Well, not really. I got everything I want.
But, Debbie, what do you need? Well...
What are you missing that you need? A guy. A boyfriend.
A guy? What do you have to offer a guy?
Well...
I have nice, shiny long hair...
A guy could buy himself a wig.
You can tell I don't have a wig. It never falls off.
You're terrific, darling. But seriously, Debbie.
Aren't you shooting for anything more in life than looking for a free meal?
Not really.
You wanna lie around till you find somebody to take care of you.
Yeah. You're dynamic, darling.
Rhonda from Garland on the line. Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.
Barry, I want to express my views...
What are you doing, Steve? Looking at this Dietz guy.
...up in New York City, givin' out needles to drug addicts.
They have to do it to stop AIDS. Clean needles help.
It's immoral for the government of this country...
tax dollars to be goin' to addicts.
But it's all right for our tax dollars, four billion of them,
to go into a system that's a complete joke.
More drugs than ever are coming into this country.
Our courts, our jails are clogged with cases.
The other night up in New York City, crack dealers killed another cop.
Any kid who wants a hit can get one. That's right.
When are we gonna wake up, Rhonda?
When are we going to admit that drug prohibition is not working in this country?
I think- Know what I think?
I think we should legalize all drugs, as sinister as that sounds.
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Is it?
A junkie could go to a drugstore, More stuff, Laura.
sign his name, get the stuff for a buck...
then he doesn't have to rob or kill for his habit. Thanks, Ellen.
You cannot let children have drugs.
Why not? They're gonna get it anyway. Why not?
In America today we're talking about shooting up in the eighth grade.
We have a moral obligation to the children.
Know what the most dangerous drug is?
It's heroin. No, it's legal.
It's tobacco. It kills 350, 000 people a year.
You know how much coke, crack, heroin, pot kill every year?
Four thousand people. Will you listen to sense? Hello? Let me check.
Will you listen to logic, please?
The only people who benefit from prohibition...
are the gangsters makin' the money on it,
the politicians condemning it and gettin' your vote.
And who foots the bill? You, Rhonda Q Sucker!
I beg your pardon! It would end tomorrow.
The $200 billion drug problem in this country could disappear overnight.
Legalize the damn stuff. Do it today, right after this message.
I'm Barry Champlaign. This is Night Talk.
We're gonna go to a message. I'll be right back after I shoot up.
Who's the schlub?
Barry, Dan and I wanted to tell you before the show we have some good news.
Barry? Dan, I can't talk right now. I gotta take a leak.
I'll catch you later, okay?
Stu, cool it with the baseball calls and the transvestites. How's the lines?
I got five hanging on already. Give me 45.
You got it. Barry, I'd like you to meet Chuck Dietz,
V.P. in charge of advertising, Metro Wave, Chicago.
Really? Very nice to meet you. It's my pleasure.
I've been reading all your press clippings...
and listening to tapes of your shows for weeks.
And? And you're really something.
You're very funny. I try to amuse.
I'm in the middle of a show. I've gotta move it along. Genius at work.
Metro Wave's picking up the show starting Monday, linking it to a national feed.
Some people at Humphrey's Coffee want to sponsor the show nationally.
We're at cold; 30, Bar.
Wait a minute. The show's going national starting Monday night?
When did this happen?
- Don't I get a say in this? You know about this? - Yeah.
Dan - We didn't know anything about it until tonight.
No sense getting you all excited until it panned out.
Chuck is here to be the eyes and ears of Metro Wave, so to speak.
So to speak. Fifteen, Bar.
Why don't you go ahead. We can talk later.
We got a hot show. We're talking Larry King here - coast to coast.
It's always a hot show, Dan. Stu, find me a catheter.
Extra hot. We'll get a contract for six months. Jawohl.
You're listening to the best talk in Texas.
Barry Champlaign on KGAB. You know about this?
Yeah. Chill, will you, Barry? The bucks don't suck. Stand by.
555-TALK. Yo.
Metro Wave Broadcasting is a giant media corporation...
specializing in broadcast radio.
It has 357 affiliate stations...
in the United States and Canada.
Two minutes ago I received a phone call...
from the man who controls those 357 stations...
the president of Metro Wave Broadcasting.
He asked me if Metro Wave could pick up this show,
pick up Barry Champlaign for national syndication, beginning Monday night.
I've had these offers before,
and I've been asked in the past if I could ever soften my touch,
go a little easier, and my answer has always been the same;
Take it or leave it.
He took it.
And so, beginning Monday night,
this show, Night Talk, begins national broadcasting.
That means the nation is listening.
You better have something to say. I know I do.
And we have Chet from Mesquite on the line.
Hello, Chet. Hello?
You think you're so smart. Hello?
Why are you always talkin' about the drugs and niggers...
and homos and Jews?
Isn't there anything else to talk about? You know what I hate?
I hate people who tell me what they don't wanna talk about.
You don't wanna talk about blacks and gays, why'd you bring them up?
Sounds like you like talking about them.
Tell me what you wanna talk about, or get off the phone.
Why don't you start telling the truth? About what?
You know. People behind your show, people who pay the bills.
Talking about the sponsors now. Don't you act dumb with me.
What kind of a name is Champlaign?
I want you to cancel my plane reservations for tonight. You changed it?
I'm gonna come in tomorrow. Maybe because it sounded too Jewish.
Call Freddie. Tell him to call me tomorrow. Change the name, get a nose job,
same old story. Chet, come on!
He started out a bit shaky. Your attitude reminds me of a story.
Last summer I visited Germany.
Wanted to take a look at Hitler's homeland.
Are you familiar with Adolf Hitler, Chet?
I'm familiar with Adolf Hitler.
I bet you are.
I decided to visit the remains of a concentration camp on the outskirts of Munich:
Dachau.
You join a tour group, go out by bus, get out at the gate. It's chilling.
A sign over the gate says, "Arbeit Macht Frei. "
It means, "Work will make you free" - something the Nazis told their prisoners.
You still listening to me, Chet? I'm counting your lies.
Good. I wanna make sure you're hearing them.
I'm walking around this concentration camp, and I see something on the ground.
I picked it up. Guess what I found, Chet?
A tiny Star of David. Very old.
Who knows? It might've belonged to one of the prisoners at the camp.
Maybe a small boy torn from his parents...
as they were dragged off to the slaughterhouse.
I kept that Star of David.
I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I keep it right here on my console.
I like to hold it sometimes.
In fact, well... I'm holding it right now.
I like to hold it in my hand to give me courage.
Maybe some of the courage that small boy had as he faced unspeakable evil...
can enter me as I face the trials in my own life...
as I face the cowardly and the narrow- minded.
The bitter, bigoted people who hide behind anonymous phone calls...
full of hatred and poisonous bile.
The gutless, spineless people...
like you, Chet, who make me puke!
Keep talkin', Jewboy. Life is short.
Stu, let's send a microwave oven out to Chet.
And we have Kent on the line. Yeah, Kent?
I need help. Shoot.
I like to party with my girlfriend.
How old are you? Nineteen.
How old's your girlfriend? Seventeen.
Okay, go ahead. So we like to party, you know?
When you're partying, where are your parents? On a vacation.
He's so excited about it. Look at him.
I think it's Fiji. Is that right?
Is there a place called Fiji? Excuse me. I'm gonna take care of some stuff.
Your parents are on vacation in a place called Fiji, and you're partying.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to ask you about, Bar.
See, we've been partying for a couple of days. Uh-huh.
Smokin' coke, crack.
Free-base.
Sounds pretty sordid, Kent. You've been smoking crack with your girlfriend.
What else you been up to? Drinkin'.
Mm-hmm. I don't know.
I drank a bottle of 100-proof whiskey yesterday 'cause I was gettin' paranoid.
Jill was doin' some acid with some Valium.
It was...
Kent, you need to call a doctor, have your stomach pumped.
Let me give you a number to call. That's why I'm callin' you.
Why? It's Jill.
She's been sleepin' a long time - No, no, no.
She's been sleepin' and she won't wake up.
Don't waste my time with this baloney. When you get outta detox, give me a call.
She's turnin' blue. She's turning blue?
Great. Just give Stu your address and we'll send an ambulance there now.
Give Stu your address, we'll send an ambulance in two minutes.
I can't! I can't! I'm gonna get your address. Kent, hello?
Hello?
I'm really glad people like Kent are out there and I'm inside here.
We're gonna go to a little commercial break now.
Whoo-whee! Jericho's Pizza, down Route 111 at the Jericho Turnpike.
They got pizza you'll never forget. One slice, you don't have to eat for a week.
I saw a guy in there combing his hair with his stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.
We have the news and weather coming up, then we'll be back with more Night Talk.
Here's your mail. You read it.
What's the problem tonight? Fight with the old lady?
No, there's no problems. Throwing me some real curve balls.
What's wrong with curve balls, Bar? Some call.
It's a hoax. How can you be sure?
A hoax. Stu, who's this Henry? You didn't give me this.
Who's Denise from Fort Worth? I didn't get that.
- Maybe Laura should take the calls. - These people were stiffs.
You want stiffs, I'll give you stiffs. No, Stu.
I don't want stiffs. Am I speaking English? Read my lips.
Keep the show moving, give me stuff I can work with.
You having trouble understanding me? No, I'm not having trouble.
As a matter of fact, I read you loud and clear.
Good!
Barry?
Barry.
Honey, just relax. Everything's under control.
It's my ass on the line, not yours.
All you have to do is just be nice.
Okay? Just for tonight.
You be nice, Laura. It's what you're good at.
You're not gonna lose even with a 15...
Jerry, I'm gonna put you on hold. Something wrong, Barry?
I can't work with him breathing down my neck. I want him out now!
I have your contract right here. Why don't you take it and look it over.
You dump it on me the Friday before it's gonna happen.
You stick some putz in the middle of my studio.
I feel like I'm auditioning for my own job!
Barry, calm down. You don't care.
Just stick me out there, see how it goes.
Doesn't work out, flush Barry down the toilet, right?
You're not gonna get me to apologize for getting you a slot on national radio.
I worked very hard on this deal, and I'm happy with it.
If you're not, we tear up the contract,
we don't do the Metro Wave hookup.
Big mistake, guy. I think it's worth the gamble because I think the show is good.
Barry, you are good. And it will blow them away everywhere it's heard.
Dietz goes with the deal. Grin and bear it.
You do your job, I'll do mine.
Did you run Sani Clean before the news?
Yes, I did. You up with your log?
There's a Harry's, a Firestone, a logo. They're all on track.
Good. Don't let it get to you. It's been a strange night.
There's nothing strange about it. How long you been working here?
Four months. How long you been sleeping with him?
Listen, Ellen. I was gonna cheer you up.
Metro Wave, the network, is picking up the show. We're going national.
Oh, my God. In Chicago too? Yeah, in Chicago too.
It's not that simple- You must be so excited!
Yeah, of course I'm excited.
We got this character here from the company keeping an eye on me.
I'll be right off the phone. Ellen, will you tell him you're talking to me?
I like this stuff. Nights like tonight are what it's all about.
You either get used to it or you get lost.
That's what his wife did - left him. So did the two producers who were here before you.
But big Stu stayed, didn't he?
I don't have to take his shit. I'm not his wife. You're not, but I am.
This is not the best time forme to talk.
Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I'm calling so late.
It's just that This is important. Barry, 20!
I need your help with something. I never ask you for anything and...
Barry...
Can you come to Dallas over the weekend, till Tuesday?
What? I need someone here I can trust. It's...
- It's important. - Damn it! Come on!
I don't think he's gonna let me. Forget it.
Forget it. Don't come.
He answered, "The night he didn't come home. "
No, that happened all the time. Ellen?
I'm thinking, okay?
Five, Bar.
Allright. Sunday? You pick me up at the airport. Strap in, Bar.
Yeah, I'll be there. Here we go.
- Look, I gotta go. Bye. - You're listening to the best talk in Texas.
The phone lines are open, and your calls are invited now...
at 555-TALK.
Bob, what a relief. How you doing tonight?
Terrific. Very well, thank you.
I hope you're not gonna get too busy to take my calls.
No show is complete without your call. How are the legs?
They're fine - an ache or two. But you know what I say?
When they give you lemons, make lemonade.
You can't cry over spilled milk. Cry, and you cry alone.
You can't lose what you never had.
Because you don't know what you got until you lost it.
So don't lose hope. This too shall pass.
Because today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Yeah, and it's always darkest before dawn. Bob, could I just...
People think that life in a wheelchair must be the worst thing in the world.
That's not the way I look at it.
I imagine the worst thing in the world would be...
bein' unthankful for all the good things that come our way everyday.
The smiles on little children, flowers bloomin',
little birds chirpin', sittin' on the buddin' branches on a bright spring day.
Why, hell, just the sun comin' up every day is a miracle.
I couldn't agree with you more, especially that part about the sun.
We get bogged down in our daily troubles and we forget about the simple things.
Oh, I forgot one more thing to be thankful for.
What's that? The Barry Champlaign show.
Thank you, Bob. Listen, we gotta run.
Know you can't, but we can. So God bless you - One more thing.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket. A bird in the hand...
- Good night. And we have- - Debbie, you still there?
- Turn your radio down. Stop crying. - Well, I'm black.
Good for you. What do you want? A medal?
Well, no, I don't. Don't play with me like them other people.
I want you to know...
that I enjoy listening to your show, and I want to say, I like you Jews.
Well, I like you blacks. I think everyone should own one.
What I mean to say is,
Uh-huh. I have many friends who are Jewish.
Really? How many? Well, three or four.
I wouldn't call that "many." They're very nice people.
They're educated and they're good in business.
John, I don't know how to break this to you, but you'll never get in the B'nai B'rith.
You're black. Don't you know how Jews feel about blacks?
They hate you! They see you schwartzes on the street, they cross to the other side.
You know those slums in south Dallas where the rats eat babies for breakfast?
Jews own those slums! What do you mean, I love Jews? Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?
What the hell you know about Uncle Tom? I think brotherhood...
I don't care what you think! No one does!
You wanna know why? Because you're trying to kiss the master's butt.
What? You call me up, try to get deep on how much you love Jews.
You're Iying. You hate them. You hate me!
I don't kiss nobody's butt! Sure you do! You kiss my butt.
You're kissing my butt right now. If you weren't, you'd hang up on me.
I don't wanna hang up on you! Then I'll do you the favor.
- Night Talk. Debbie, you're on.
Barry? Mm-hmm.
This is Debbie again.
Oh, Debbie. Right.
She of the long hair, my zombie queen, my fantasy.
How are you, my belle? Bad.
I've been thinkin' about what you said.
I wanna ask you somethin'. Yeah?
What's wrong with me? What?
Chet's back. You've had Debbie on twice. I don't think you should take the call.
Barry? I can handle it. Just shoot it to me.
This is too important. I'm not gonna jump through hoops tonight just because of this...
Please, tell him to put it on.
Yeah, Debbie, look, you should see the shape I'm in.
I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeon or a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.
I mean, you're young. You got your whole life ahead of you.
Why don't I go anywhere?
Well, you gotta stand up first.
I mean, every journey begins with a single step.
You gotta go for it, pumpkin.
Me and Linda used to go out, but she moved to Houston.
Yeah- Heh! Listen, Debbie, Debbie.
You got two arms and two legs? Yeah.
Are you blind? No.
You got a belly button? Yeah.
Two belly buttons? No, I got one.
Are you sure? Have you looked lately?
Yeah. I got one. You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be just fine.
And we have... Chet from Mesquite on the line. Chet?
So now everyone in the country can hear your big mouth flap.
Chet, so nice to hear from you again.
Shouldn't you be out burning crosses or molesting children?
I'd rather be talking to you. How about training pit bulls?
Think you're so smart.
You get the package I sent down to the station?
Package?
You got it, I know you did. You sent me a present?
I couldn't decide whether to use a timer or not.
You'll have to find that out when you open it.
You're telling me you sent me a bomb in the mail?
Wrapped in brown paper. I know you're lookin' at it right now.
You just take some C-4,
roll it in a pile of nuts and bolts and pebbles, and it does the job.
Sounds interesting, Chet. I didn't receive your package.
Sure you sent it to the right address? You got it.
If I were you, I'd have my pretty assistant give the police a call.
Take the bomb squad ten minutes to get there.
Why should I call the bomb squad, Chet?
Because some pinheaded redneck moron tells me there's a bomb in my mail?
He who laughs last...
Shut up!
Night Talk. Denise, you're on.
I'm scared, Barry. What are you scared of, babe?
Nothin' specifically, but on the other hand...
it's like everywhere I go...
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
Barry, you know, we've got...
a garbage disposal in our kitchen sink. Yeah, it's fine.
Tell Dan my mail is my business.
This is not funny. You tell Dan my mail is my business.
You know how that feels when you have to reach down there into that gook...
and put your hand around?
Who knows what could be down there?
Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops. If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.
Get off the phone or I walk.
There's germs you can't even see. Don't waste my time, man.
Hang it or I walk! They grow there.
Hang it up! They come back up the pipes.
- Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even the common cold. Who knows?
But, Barry, even without all of that, what if...
and I'm just sayin' what if...
what if that disposal came on while your hand was down there?
And it goes around and around - Denise, tell me something.
You're telling me that you're afraid of the garbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?
Well, it's not just the garbage disposal.
I like things to be clean, Barry.
How often does this happen?
Couple times since I've been here.
Like the houses on our street. Used to be we knew who lived on our street.
But that was years ago. Now all different kinds of people live here...
foreigners, people with accents.
Are they sanitary? Why don't you ask one of them?
That would be a nice idea to just go to somebody's house...
and knock on their door,
but what if a serial murderer lived there?
What if Ted Bundy lived there?
What if he was sittin' inside watchin' television, and I came to the door?
"Why, you just come right on in here, Denise, " he'd say.
That's why I don't go to strange people's houses anymore.
I keep the doors locked at all times, but that's not gonna solve anything.
You're not gonna stop a plane from crashin' onto your house, are you?
No. The mailman brings me unsolicited mail.
The postage stamp could've been licked by somebody with AIDS.
My mother's a threat to my life just by persistin' to go out there.
- Out where? Where does your mother go? - Barry...
Barry, did you know there's this terrible dust storm in California?
It has these fungus spores in it, and these spores...
get into people's lungs and their bloodstream...
and it grows, and then it kills them.
Strange air. Strange air, Barry.
Oh, I hear my mother's key in the door.
Strange air. Well, uh...
That about wraps up another thrilling episode with the man you love to love.
Gotta go home now, take care of the goldfish.
Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's when Night Talk begins national syndication,
allowing the good folks of Dallas to have verbal intercourse...
with the rest of the U.S.A.
But don't go away yet.
If you've got any psychological problems or you're just plain suicidal,
Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'll be glad to give you some dubious advice.
Or if you're just a level headed, happy, normal person, you can turn the radio off.
Until Monday, this is Barry Champlaign reminding you that...
sticks and stones can break your bones, but words cause permanent damage.
# Bad to the bone B- B-B- B-Bad #
It's time to strap him up and wheel him away for his weekend therapy.
But Barry Champlaign will be back with more Night Talk Monday...
on KGAB, Dallas.
Barry, my man. What's happenin'?
The coach is here. You're gonna say a few words and then give him the cup,
and then he's gonna talk. Yeah.
Now, you're gonna be introduced by Mel in the booth.
Got it. You hear the show last night?
A great show. Great show.
Listen, I never got that autographed picture that you promised...
so I can hang it in my restaurant.
You were supposed to send it over three weeks ago. It slipped my mind.
Slipped your mind? What mind? What could be more important than that Dino?
I'll send it over first thing tomorrow. Don't go to any trouble.
No trouble. Where is he?
There he is.
Stick around. You are the greatest, Barry! All right.
See you. See you later.
He's a great guy, huh? Of course he is.
He thinks you're God. What bit you in the ass?
You're pissed' cause I tell you to get a picture for the guy, which is your job.
I'm pissed because you haven't said two words to me all week except to boss me around.
We work together. That's the deal. I'm the boss. I boss you around.
It's more than that. It's like you're always angry with me. Excuse me.
You're Barry Champlaign, aren't you? Yeah.
Can I have an autograph? Thanks. Sure thing.
Hi. Hi.
Here you go. Thanks a lot.
I love your show.
Okay, see you later.
Back in the cage.
I used to listen to your show when I was in high school.
I'm supposed to be doing my homework, and - Barry?
You wanna make it out to Joe Bob, please? Sure.
You should have called. I would have come and tucked you in.
Thanks, Barry. God bless.
God bless you, Joe Bob.
The show going national is important. Let's work together.
Just be a little more careful around this guy Dietz.
This is a big thing, Barry.
Right. I'm not greasing my way up a pole.
I resent it that when I talk to you like your producer... All right.
you treat me like a girlfriend,
and when I talk to you like your girlfriend, you treat me like your wife.
I'm not following the drift of this conversation.
We work together, we sleep together. That's it.
I didn't know when we started seeing each other I was enrolling in a self-help course.
If I'm angry, that's who I am.
For better or for worse, that's what got me where I am today.
If you think it's tough on the outside, just be thankful you weren't born me.
I've gotta be out of my mind picking a fight with you.
You a little moody today? Is that the problem?
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Barry Champlaign?
Uh, maybe.
Could I have your autograph? Sure, sure.
You do a great job on the show.
I couldn't do it without you. Thank you.
I listen to your show all the time.
I think you're a sick, foul-mouthed, disgusting man,
and you make people really nauseous 365 days a year.
It just goes to show what masochists people are, they listen 365 days a year.
I don't know why they leave your show on the air. Let's get outta here.
Everybody I know hates it. It makes me wanna throw my radio out.
Let's go. If you don't like the show, why do you listen?
'Cause I'm waitin' for a better program that's on later.
Waiting for another program? There are 30 other shows on in Dallas.
You listen to my show every night. Makes sense.
I feel real sorry for you, and I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
- You're such a pathetic nerd. - I should be ashamed?
At least I don't show up in public, half in the bag, making an utter jerk out of myself.
You have no credibility. You like what I do. You need me.
But you have no sense of humor, which is why you can never enjoy the show,
which is why you're a loser, like all people who have no sense of humor.
And you are categorically one of them. Good-bye.
- Furthermore- - Lady, what the hell is the matter with you?
What'd you do? What happened to your suit? Jesus.
All right, you're gonna be fine.
Come on. Let's go.
All of us are here for something very important and exciting at S.M. U.,
and I think you know what I'm talking about.
Who's ready for a new beginning? How about Mustang football this fall?
That's what I thought.
Now - Now, to introduce the new man in charge of football here at S.M.U.,
our own KGAB radio personality- the man you love to love...
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Barry Champlaign!
Thank you. On my way over here tonight, I...
I was finding out that...
They love me. They really love me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's calm down.
A different kind of welcome than I've ever experienced.
Barry?
Barry!
Barry.
Hello? Laura, it's Dan. Is Barry there?
Hang on a second.
It's Dan. Hmm?
Did I wake you up? I'm sorry.
No, I always get up ten hours before I have to go to work.
It's Sunday, your day off from self-loathing.
You said you didn't want Dietz breathing down your neck, so we had a drink.
He's a sharp guy. Loves you, loves the show. You should sit down with him, have a chat.
Is he gonna give you orders now?
I figured you'd look at it that way, so I set up a meeting for Sunday brunch.
What? He's got some great ideas, Bar.
The guy wouldn't know an idea if it crawled on his kneecap.
Just hold your horses for one minute.
Chuck and I decided before we hit national air we should establish a few ground rules.
Ground rules? What is this, Dan? A radio station or an airport?
Will you shut the fuck up and listen? No, I won't listen to you.
I knew that when that corporate cannibal came into my studio I was in trouble.
What difference does it make to you? It's just a show, right?
Are you saying I don't care? Nobody cares more than I do. I don't wanna hear it.
I'm gonna come in tomorrow night, I'm gonna do the same show I do every night.
And blow the deal. If it means that, yes.
I do my show, or I don't do a show. Good-bye.
You f...
I gotta take a piss.
Hello? Is Barry there?
Who's calling, please? Look, I'm in a rush. Could you just get Barry?
Barry, phone again! It's a woman!
Get her number. I'll call her back. He'll call you back.
It's a pay phone. I can't call you back. Who is this?
Look, just tell Barry it's his ex- wife. Huh!
It's a pay phone. She can't you call back. It's your ex-wife.
Shit.
Give me that. Ellen, hi. I'm down at the airport. Remember?
What airport? Dallas. What do you think? It's Sunday.
You told me to be here. Uh, well, great.
Are you too busy, or are you coming to get me?
Yeah. No, I'm not busy. I'm just doing some work here.
Who answered the phone? I thought you said you were alone.
It's just my secretary. Look, Ellen, what airline are you on?
American Airlines. Maybe I should just leave.
No, you stay there. I'll see you in 20 minutes, okay?
You better be here. Yeah, I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Are you allright? I'm fine. I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Okay. See ya. Bye.
I gotta get her now.
Where are my shoes?
What? Don't give me that look.
Hey.
Hey, come here. She wants to be here for the national show.
What am I supposed to do? Say no? Huh?
What did Dan want?
Wants me to come in and kiss Dietz's ass.
I told him to kiss my microphone.
Look, uh...
Can you clean up around here a bit before you go? Huh?
Where's my shoes?
I'll call you later, okay?
You look nice. Thanks.
You look great. You look good too.
Except for my wrinkled clothes. Except for - I miss you, so what?
So what have you been doing? I hate when you call me in the middle of the night.
Lou is so pissed off at me, I had a fight.
I had a fight at the end of this with Lou. You're too good for Lou.
Don't start, Barry. Barry, don't start.
You been going to a health club? You're such a jerk.
Excuse me? You been going to a health club or something?
Why? You look dynamite.
I left you. I look dynamite 'cause I left you.
Jesus. I spend time, a little, on my own self.
I'm working too. I'm not at someone's beck and call.
Ellen this, Ellen that. I want this, I want that.
I may not have worked for you - You just have to bring him food. Is that basically it?
Don't start. "Bring me another plate of spaghetti. "
You're such a troublemaker.
Why doesn't he go to the health club? Probably can't fit in the door.
He does. Barry!
Hey, I have no bad feelings about Lou.
I'm glad he's so lucky.
You know, I'm glad that somebody's treating you nice for a change.
I have some time for myself. It's kinda, you know, it's...
When I was with you, I spent so much time taking care of you,
and Lou sometimes even takes care of me.
Um...
I don't know. It's a different lifestyle.
You're like a carnival,
and he's more like homogenized milk.
Why are you staring at me?
I miss you.
I miss you too.
What's this hold you have on me?
Love.
I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to say stuff like that. I forgot.
Barry, what do you want me to do? Fall in love with you again?
Is that what this is about? I don't want you doing anything.
I mean, you're here. That's all I - I'm happy that you're here.
I- I don't know- I have to go at the end of the day...
or tomorrow...
and I can't keep coming back and forth.
I- You know, you've got success.
You know, the most important thing is, you've got to start loving yourself.
You got that. You are good. You are wonderful.
Now, feel it and know you have to have a life.
Find someone with a soul. Mm-hmm.
Don't just fall in love with some girl's body.
I mean, you do like a girl's body, didn't you?
The only problem was I got caught. Yeah, what can you do?
Maybe you should've stayed at your mom's that day.
Tony, keep the taper nice and tight around the waist.
Judge wants to look hot for his old lady.
Don't you think these lapels are too much for an awards ceremony?
Judge, everyone's gonna be wearing these lapels by this time next year.
Wait and see. You need a shirt to go with that.
What do you think about that referendum coming up?
I was gonna ask you the same question. Perfect.
Throwin' this in free of charge. Gift from me and Teddy. Very kind of you.
Judge, you bring out the woman in me. You're gorgeous.
Hey, good-looking.
Tony, why don't you show the judge back to the dressing rooms.
I'll just take this up for you. Thank you.
Been out shopping? Buy any see-through undies? Uh-huh.
I thought we'd have lunch together.
Love to, babe. Having lunch with the judge.
He's gonna help me out with that zoning variance for the nightclub.
Okay, work's important. What about dinner?
I can't. Moe Thompson's stag party.
City Council president. Come on.
Make sure there are no women. Hey.
Tomorrow night, you and me, dinner, just the two of us. The Caprice?
Promise? Flowers? Mariachi bands? I promise. Tablecloths.
Barry. Music. What, Vince?
Someone you gotta meet. Guess who this is. Go ahead, guess. What, Vince?
I have no idea. Your Cousin Al.
No. What a joker. Jeff, say something.
What is this, performing seal time? Cut another caller off.
You're history. Ptt! You're on Talk of the Town.
You're Jeff Fisher.
In my store. I can't believe it. I listen to your show all the time.
You're great, man. You look different than I thought.
You thought I'd be 6'2", in spurs? Yeah.
This is my wife, Ellen. Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, the craziest people call in that show.
I think of calling myself sometimes.
You're too shy, right? I can tell.
Don't I listen all the time? He thinks you're God.
Thank you, sir. Wish we had your picture. We could put it up.
I'll send you one. You've got quite a voice.
Voice? You ever do radio?
I've thought of doing some radio. Only came in for a second.
I gotta run. Listen, Vince, send the jacket to my home.
- Uh- Uh- What's your name? - Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.
Anytime you're in the neighborhood, stop by the station.
Love to show you around, let you say a couple of words, Yeah, sure.
sell some suits, plug the store.
My secretary'll send the picture. Don't forget the sleeves. Nice meeting you.
Bye-bye! Bye!
The topic is fantasy love affairs.
Who would you like to have a love affair with?
We're here with our good friend, Barry. What's your name this week?
Barry Champlaign, man. Barry Champlaign, man, is here,
and he has said "his wife." Mm-hmm.
These are supposed to be famous people,
unless your wife's gotten around a lot more than I think she has.
Come on. Your wife's not listening, okay?
Who would you really like to get up close and personal with?
Marie Osmond, I think, is very sexy. That's one for Marie Osmond.
In black leather, yeah. The studio fish is blushing.
She is sex incarnate, man. She's a Mormon, isn't she?
Mormons believe in bigamy. Marie, I want to marry you right now.
Come down to the station. I want you, Marie.
Okay! We'll take another caller. Yeah, you're on Talk of the Town.
Yeah, you know what I think? You two are a couple of liberal pinkos.
That's what I think. Are you two homos? Is that what you are?
You know what you are, my friend, you are history.
Wait. The caller has a point.
It's true, sir, indeed, Jeff Fisher and I are lovers.
Have been for the last 15 years. In fact, we're holding hands right now.
Probably nigger lovers too. Yeah, what race are you, sir?
I'm white, and I'm proud of it.
As one white man to another, let me ask you a question.
Do you know how much white Americans spend every year on suntan lotion?
$165 million!
That's a lot of money to spend just to turn brown.
You know why they wanna turn brown? Jeff, do you know why?
Let's take another caller. This is an interesting question.
They wanna turn brown because they secretly want to be black.
You know why they wanna be black? These and other questions...
Because they feel sexually inferior.
You're a smart-mouth homo. That's what you are.
Okay, okay. You're an inbred throwback...
Ha-hoo! It's a Texas rodeo, yes indeed. We'll hose 'em down...
and be right back after this commercial break.
When I say "cut, " you stop talking.
We've been through this before. You're fun and the audience likes you,
but I'm not gonna lose my license over this shit.
Why would you lose your license?
It's called Standards and Prac - Jeff, pick up seven.
Thank you. Standards and Practices. You ever heard of it? Yeah?
Oh, he's funny, yeah.
Yeah, right, yeah, sure.
Sells suits.
Tomorrow at 10:00?
I'll ask him. Hold on.
Can you come in tomorrow morning, meet the boss at 10:00?
- What for? What I would do is...
have a swimming pool and a sauna...
Boring. Come on, you could do better than that.
Line four. Nancy, what would you do with a million bucks?
Barry, I just love your show.
Send me your measurements and a nude photograph, and I'll get back to you.
Line one, Frank in Grapevine. Yeah, Frank?
I'm a Chicano- Good for you. I'm a Jew.
Now, this is serious, dude. Wrong show.
Look, Stu, I don't think we've had a decent answer to this question all night long.
Now, come on, people, you gotta give me a good answer,
Yeah, hold on. or I'm gonna punish ya.
Okay, let's go to...
Let's go to - Here, talk to Barry. Come on. Talk to Barry.
Line one, you're on. Say something, anything. Ready? Say something.
Say something. Uh, yeah, this is Cheryl Ann.
What are you gonna do with a million bucks, Cheryl Ann?
If I had a million bucks, I would buy my own radio transmitter...
and start my own talk show,
so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice.
If you hate my voice so much, why don't you change the station?
I can't. Why not.
I'm in prison, and the warden picks the shows we listen to.
Good. You're Iying. You love my voice.
I hate your voice. You love my voice.
It's a love-hate situation. You can't get enough of my voice.
Come on. Admit it. You're full of it!
If you don't love my voice, then hang up. Come on. Hang up.
You love me. Come on. Hang up. Hang up!
I hate you, Barry Champlaign!
Beautiful. I love it.
Not good enough. Folks, you let me down once again.
For that, you must be punished.
This is the Bee Gees, and this one's going out to you, Cheryl Ann,
singing "Saturday Night Fever" ten times in a row.
- Best call we've had in a couple of weeks, I swear.
That was great, honey. We gotta get Cheryl Ann calling more often.
They're eating this stuff up, Barry. See that piece in the paper today?
The thing about me looking for a bodyguard? Great publicity.
You want this ten times in a row, seriously?
No, make it three times. I'll be back in a minute.
Three it is. Beautiful show. I love it.
# Burn, baby, burn #
In here?
Ooh.
That was great. The kiss or the call?
Dan just gave me some good news.
I'm getting the 10:00 a.m. slot.
He's hiring a producer just for my own show.
Oh, Barry, that's wonderful. Yeah. You wanna do it?
Huh? You'd be the best person to do it.
You're smart, you're hardworking, you do everything I tell you to do.
Um, Barry, I think you better get someone else.
I don't think it's a good idea. It's a great idea.